Why I Quit Writing This Blog ... Twice

There may be a few of you who still have an RSS feed of this blog. I met with a beautiful young woman from Africa this weekend who used to follow this blog when I was single. She said, "I loved to read your blog, and then one day you just quit. You left us hanging." I feel badly that I did that. After I got married in 2009, my life changed drastically. And then at the end of 2010, it changed even more drastically when my son was born. (Most days, I feel like the above picture.)

Can I just tell you that it's been hard. And completely wonderful all at the same time. Sharing your life with someone—and then someones—is amazing. Once you've experienced it, you would never EVER go back. At the same time, so much changes. I remember a time after my oldest child was born that I had an opportunity to go somewhere alone. I climbed into the Toyota Corolla I'd had for 10 years and the smell brought back a rush of sweet memories. It smelled like freedom. It smelled like the days when I could jump into that little car and meet a friend for sushi, or go to the early service at my church, or meet friends for an improv comedy practice or drive through Starbucks on my way to work in the morning. Though replaced by precious gifts, those things had faded so quickly.

If I'm completely honest, I've been reluctant to accept, and especially to embrace, my new identity. I think some women make the leap from single to married to married with kids fairly seamlessly. Not me. And because I am absolutely certain marriage and children are my calling now, I try not to complain. Overall, I think that's a good strategy. But sometimes I am really grieving all those parts of my identity that are gone, and instead of inviting Jesus in to the sadness of it all, I try to be a good little soldier and press on. It's as if I act like nothing has really changed, when it definitely has.

I don't say this to scare you about marriage or having kids. As I said before, the preciousness of these gifts more than make up for the perks of my former existence. But some days I just don't feel like me. I wonder where that girl went and if she's ever coming back. And the truth is, she's probably not. I have been irreversibly altered by marriage and children. I'm not just talking about the extra 30 pounds I'm carrying after having three babies in four years. I'm talking about my heart and my understanding. This burden of love I now carry has changed me forever.

So I quit writing this blog because life got overwhelming (and I spend more time on Facebook), and I have less time to ponder and write about my daily thoughts and activities. It's true—I may not do the cool things I used to, but God is using this new, very different life to refine me and make me more like Him. And that's pretty cool.

(I can't promise I'm back, but I hope to at least write here from time to time. You can also see my blog posts at Boundless.org.)