Suzanne's Second Estate

A web log of my thoughts, activities, life....

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Why I Quit Writing This Blog ... Twice

There may be a few of you who still have an RSS feed of this blog. I met with a beautiful young woman from Africa this weekend who used to follow this blog when I was single. She said, "I loved to read your blog, and then one day you just quit. You left us hanging." I feel badly that I did that. After I got married in 2009, my life changed drastically. And then at the end of 2010, it changed even more drastically when my son was born. (Most days, I feel like the above picture.)

Can I just tell you that it's been hard. And completely wonderful all at the same time. Sharing your life with someone—and then someones—is amazing. Once you've experienced it, you would never EVER go back. At the same time, so much changes. I remember a time after my oldest child was born that I had an opportunity to go somewhere alone. I climbed into the Toyota Corolla I'd had for 10 years and the smell brought back a rush of sweet memories. It smelled like freedom. It smelled like the days when I could jump into that little car and meet a friend for sushi, or go to the early service at my church, or meet friends for an improv comedy practice or drive through Starbucks on my way to work in the morning. Though replaced by precious gifts, those things had faded so quickly.

If I'm completely honest, I've been reluctant to accept, and especially to embrace, my new identity. I think some women make the leap from single to married to married with kids fairly seamlessly. Not me. And because I am absolutely certain marriage and children are my calling now, I try not to complain. Overall, I think that's a good strategy. But sometimes I am really grieving all those parts of my identity that are gone, and instead of inviting Jesus in to the sadness of it all, I try to be a good little soldier and press on. It's as if I act like nothing has really changed, when it definitely has.

I don't say this to scare you about marriage or having kids. As I said before, the preciousness of these gifts more than make up for the perks of my former existence. But some days I just don't feel like me. I wonder where that girl went and if she's ever coming back. And the truth is, she's probably not. I have been irreversibly altered by marriage and children. I'm not just talking about the extra 30 pounds I'm carrying after having three babies in four years. I'm talking about my heart and my understanding. This burden of love I now carry has changed me forever.

So I quit writing this blog because life got overwhelming (and I spend more time on Facebook), and I have less time to ponder and write about my daily thoughts and activities. It's true—I may not do the cool things I used to, but God is using this new, very different life to refine me and make me more like Him. And that's pretty cool.

(I can't promise I'm back, but I hope to at least write here from time to time. You can also see my blog posts at


At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Suzanne the part of how quickly a woman's life changes after marriage, and then kids is so true. Marriage and kids are so totally absorbing of your time, (in a good way), but time too think or to process your emotions is impossible. It just doesn't give you any time to say goodbye to that single girl. After all she was with you for years and years, through kindergarten cruses, adolescent acne and the high school prom dress disaster. When we just leave her and don't say goodbye, something feels unfinished inside. Even though I am 62, been married for 30 years and raised three great kids. I think I need to just stop and say a nice farewell to that free spirited young girl. After all what friend would you have for 30+ years that was as close as you were to you and then just leave with not so much as a card or formal going away party? Just as there is a formal ceremony for the debutant, why not at least have a little personal meaningful goodbye to your former young free unattached self? Do I smell cake?

At 6:48 AM, Blogger ChildsPlay said...

Been there, doing that. Thanks, Suzanne.

At 6:42 AM, Blogger BeckyGio said...

I could've written this post, almost word for word. Looking forward to reading as you DO find time to write, Suz. Hugs!

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Your post resonates with me, as I have been married for 6 years and am expecting my 3rd baby to raise here on earth. Honestly, I used to read your blog from time to time, and I only recently remembered to check in again. Guess my life has distracted me, too! :-) I'm glad to see you are posting again! I will enjoy reading whatever you write! Blessings!


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